So the second day or so after the tour started we arrived to the venue and were directed to our green room to find a sign on the door that said “Sean Patrick Swayze.” It wasn’t a typo, it was Kirby-Tour-Mgrs way of saying “Welcome to the big leagues, Rookie.” And as I was to come to know everybody, I’d hear Kirby refer to us as the “pretty band.” (thanks for making us buy those new clothes, Murray.) and I expected some hazing that never really happened and everyone walks around trying to get a read on everybody else. I don’t know anybody from Adam, but we try –and succeed in---making friends (Thank you JagerMeister) and as green as we are we try to act like we’ve been here before.
By day three the “pretty band” has gotten really good looking: the green room door reads “Danica Patrick Swayze McGraw,” and if this is their way of messing with me, I’m all about it. Personally I thought it was funny as hell and I could see a trend developing and I walked over to Kirby-Tour-Managerss office and I threw down the sign and I said “is that the best you got? I expect better!” (and to be honest Kirby, I hope someone tells you about this and you’re reading right now) the signs have all been slightly amusing (Joey—Toby’s utility player--copped to being responsible for “Sean Patrick Chesney”) which I thought would have been funnier as “Sean Patrick McChesney” (I don’t know why) and I wore my pooka shells and wife-beater tee-shirt that day….but it went from that to “Little Jimmy Dickens’ (okay, that was pretty funny) to “Sean Connery McGraw,” to “Sean Tug McGraw” (not really funny at all) to “Sean Patrick Cathedral,” to “Sean Patrick Henry.” (Really Kirby, how many people remember who he was from Social studies?”) and I’m like “c’mon man….I expect “Shania Twain Tim McGraw Hill” or something…???
Kirby says he won’t do it because I suggested it.
Really.
He also says I probably shouldn’t have told him Darian Lake was home turf ‘cause NOW we’re in for it.
I’ve heard stories about what’s happened to some other openers in years
past .
And I want say that if the people you surround yourself are a indicator of who you are , then Toby Keith is about the coolest mofo there is. We expected to get looked down upon, to get a crappy mix, to get no respect….to get some kind of second class treatment: we never have. Instead, we’ve had a great hang, been given a lot of great advice, eaten a LOT of steak in catering, drank a lot of beer afterwards…hell Kirby-Tour-Manager even foraged for beer for us…
We’ve made some friends we are truly going to miss when this summer is over.
It really been fuck-with free.
But Darian Lake is coming up. And that ‘s home.
And everybody else on America’s Toughest Tour knows that.
We are SO screwed.
